I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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