she kept yelling 'call me bella'
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Randomize
