wrigley field is MILF paradise
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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