we should wear snuggies to the strip club
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
