How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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