fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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