i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
