im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
