Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
