I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
