I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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