Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
