I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Randomize
