i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
