eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
