Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
