Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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