4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
