just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Randomize
