I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
