I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
