I CAN MOONWALK!
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
