I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
