my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
you inspire me to be a worse person
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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