I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
She's the barista slut.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
