highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
