Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
She tied me up with her honor cords...
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
