im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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