its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I want to walk on stilts...naked
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
