i think i have herpe
just one?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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