I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
