Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
