Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
