Tell her she can't have a vagina
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
