Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
