Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
