Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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