Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
