youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
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