u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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