I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
