After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Randomize
