Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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