Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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