Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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