cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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