and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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