Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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