And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
