yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Randomize
